The Stories Our Mind Tells
Anna Enright, DNP, PCNS-BC
As we live our lives, the mind is in the background telling stories about it. When you get a text or an email and it says, “we need to talk, call me,” the mind will automatically get to work telling a story about this. I wonder what this is about. Did I say something that offended him/her/them? Are they mad at me? When learning a new skill and struggling or falling short, the story may sound like this: This is so hard! It comes so easy to Jane/Megan/Tom. It always takes me longer. I’m never going to get this! These stories may feel accurate given the situation, but they are not. These stories are our mind’s generated scenarios based on how we are feeling in that moment.
The stories our mind tells are just loosely based on facts so please don’t believe everything you think. Just like the news doesn’t report on all the planes which landed successfully-only on those which crashed-there is a quirk in evolution, known as negativity bias, which makes our stories slant to the negative. Negativity bias is the brain’s propensity to hold onto negative experiences while barely registering neutral experiences or positive ones. The brain is wired for survival. Our ancestors who lived on the Savannah and survived, did so by getting good at spotting tigers and other dangers in the environment.
We no longer have tigers to avoid but we do have both external (life stress) and internal (our thoughts) negative experiences. Notice what happens when something goes wrong. When a mistake is made. How good are you at letting mistakes go and moving on? I have at times ruminated over my mistakes for hours or days! When the mind finds something it doesn’t like, it holds onto it. By accepting the stories without question, we will hold onto and remember only the hard moments in our day.
Check out this old Zen story which illustrates this:
A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side. The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman. Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey. The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them. Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself no longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted to touch a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?” The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river hours ago, why are you still carrying her?”
We have many pleasant, unpleasant and neutral moments in our day. If our attention is focused only on the unpleasant, this will increase our perception of stress. Intentionally shifting our focus to savor the good in our day or noticing the mundane builds a more balanced view of our experience.
Yes, I said savor. Did you know that there is a whole science on Savoring? Scientists have found amplifying the positive moments in our lives by savoring them, balances our perception of stress. Savoring is to intentionally notice, appreciate and bring in the positive aspects of our lives. When experiencing a positive emotion (a friend saying something nice, a delicious cup of coffee, a beautiful sunset) notice how you feel and savor the moment by holding onto it for 30 seconds. This skill will permanently register that positive experience. Go one extra step and share the experience with someone to further strengthen those neuronal pathways!
We can’t control many things, but we can choose how we direct our attention. Widening our awareness to include more of our moments (pleasant, unpleasant and neutral) and challenging the stories our brain is generating about our experiences are effective strategies to combat our negativity bias, ultimately reducing our perception of stress.
Skill: Here are tangible ways to work on hacking our negativity bias.
List 3-5 things that went well in your day and why. If you do this for at least 21 days, research shows it will become a habit.
List 3-5 things you are grateful for and why, again, for at least 21 days.
Savor the good moments in your day by pausing for 30 seconds and truly notice how they make you feel. Describe the positive experience to someone else.
Cultivate a daily mindfulness meditation practice to increase awareness and focus.
Check out this TED talk about conquering your Negativity Bias
