Do you want to take courageous action? Try being kinder to yourself.
Anna Enright, DNP, PCNS-BC
I was at the bottom of my first rope climb in an adult competition I had entered on a whim. Parents were at the gym with their kids who were participating in a qualifying round for a big comp that evening. As I was tying in, I felt my heart pound, my hands were shaking, and I realized I was full of anxiety! How could I have allowed this to happen? What was I doing here? I’m not a competitor, my kid is! I climb for fun. This was not fun!
My thoughts quickly went to how ridiculous I was going to look when I did poorly. People were watching. This made me even more nervous. My body felt like lead as I started up the climb. It took me several moves before I redirected my attention to the climb itself and I remember telling myself that whatever happened was OK. I could choose to lean into this experience and just climb. I love to climb! The routes looked fun. I remember shifting to being kinder to myself. You got this Anna! Just climb! I bet others feel this way. It’s good to challenge yourself. Let’s see what you’ll learn from this experience. Just climb and do what you can. I didn’t win any medals that day but what I didn’t know was how important that experience was going to be. It was that experience that made me more curious about the competitive athlete and they/her/his experience.
As parents and coaches, we expect a lot from our athletes: to train many hours each week; to push to their limits each time; to face down opponents that may have much better qualifications; and hardest of all, to regulate the many doubts and criticisms generated by our primeval brain with grace and a smile to “be a good sport”. I recalled the many disappointments I had witnessed as a Mom with my own boys and the many tearful kids I had seen leave competitive arenas after a performance didn’t go well.
It’s not a coincidence that this memory came up for me as I’m sitting down with the intention of writing about self-compassion. I have been practicing being kinder to myself for years. It’s hard as my brain generates plenty of negative chatter but I'm getting better at it each day. Being kind to myself was instrumental in getting me through that competitive experience.
What is self-compassion? What does it have to do with peak performance?
Dr. Kristin Neff (2011), who has been researching self-compassion for the last 20 years defines it as the act of treating yourself with the same type of kind, caring support and understanding that you would show to those you care about. She has identified three components to self-compassion:
Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment- When we are going through challenges, we often become very self-critical. Self-compassion involves being warm and supportive as opposed to being cold and judging ourselves.
Common humanity vs. Isolation. The second part is remembering that we are all imperfect as human beings—we are not alone in our suffering. Often, when something goes wrong, we feel very isolated. In those moments it feels as if everyone else has these perfect lives and we are just flawed. Remembering that imperfection is part of the shared experience, can actually allow us to feel more connected to others.
Mindfulness vs. Over-identification. The third component is mindfulness which is having the awareness that this is a hard moment! If we just ignore our pain or get lost in problem solving, we can’t give ourselves compassion. We have to acknowledge the moment, “This is really hard. This experience is causing me pain. This self-doubt is not helping me feel my best. How can I be kinder to myself in this moment?”
We are infinitely better at being compassionate to others. With athletes, when I talk about self-compassion, the main concern is that it’s going to make them complacent and unmotivated to improve themselves and accomplish more. According to Neff (2011), the research doesn’t support that outcome. What the research shows is that people who are more self-compassionate have high standards for themselves, plus they have the added ability to not get as upset when they fail to meet their goals. Being kinder to the self allows one to more likely pick themselves up, dust themselves off and re-engage.
Motivating by using self-criticism is risky. If every time we fail or make a mistake, we beat ourselves up, we may end up avoiding failure. Pushing ourselves to our limits and failing is how we grow. Not taking risks or pushing our limits is detrimental to our potential.
According to Neff (2011), the biggest problem with using self-criticism as a motivator may be that if it’s really painful to be honest with oneself about our weaknesses, because we know we are going to tear ourselves up with criticism, our subconscious will blame something else for our shortcomings: “That route was not set very well. The music distracted me. I was delayed coming out of isolation, it wasn’t fair.” We project outward and defend our ego, giving away our power to fix it for next time.
But when one has self-compassion it gives us courage to say, “That was a hard round… I wasn’t able to focus… I was delayed and it threw me off, I didn’t rebound well”. This clarity gives us wisdom to know what we need to work on and the emotional strength and courage to change it. So, next time you need to muster up some courage, try being kinder to yourself!
Skill: If you are interested in practicing cultivating a kinder approach, check out the exercise below.
Self-compassion practice based on the work by Dr. Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org)
Bring to mind a situation in your life that is difficult or stressful. Where do you feel the discomfort or stress in your body?
Bring mindfulness to it by calling it out: This is stress; ouch; this hurts; this moment blows!!
Bring in the common humanity of the experience: Challenges are part of life; I’m not alone; We all struggle sometimes.
Now put your hands on your heart and ask yourself what you might need to bring in kindness. Is there a phrase that resonates for this particular situation?
Some examples are:
“May I be patient”
“May I be strong”
“May I be brave”
“May I learn to accept myself as I am”
“May I give myself the kindness I need”
Using this practice anytime during the day, will help you remember to bring in the three aspects of self-compassion when you need them most.
Kristin Neff - Self-Compassion (William Morrow, 2011)
Jinpa Thupten- A Fearless Heart: How the Courage to be Compassionate Can Transform Our Lives (Hudson Street Press, 2015)
